We have burnt our ashes
We have disected our tie
Your so painful to watch
Your so painful to look at
I can't stand you anymore
Though I want so much to have you as mine
But it was a moment in a time.
A second
And we managed to burn all the bridges
A glimpse of you and I'm gone for a day
This was one sided
Unimportant on your part
I have moved from that fence we built together
You walked away immediately
Took me a while longer
But now we're tainted.
You and I
We have that together
How bitter that our remenants are a cursed word
I regret all of it
But none of it
To want to erase it would be a lie
But to want to keep it would be a crime
Your eventual effect will stay
I'm truly ruined now
I told you I was damaged goods and now I am unsellable goods
You kill me with your memory
And I hung onto that broken bridge though you'd left
If we hadn't initiated that first word then it would have been left, a longing of mine, an oblivious sense of yours
I could have left it
Waited
Made it work
But we were both too hasty
Both now lost in what we're looking for
We're lone souls you and I
And I'm always waiting for that door behind my back to open and find myself face to face with you
a mirrored expression on each of our faces
will that ever happen?
Will we forget and cross paths again?
I don't see it possible
But now for me nothing is
To conceal what I want, and wanted.
It's there forever now
And I'm forever stuck in this halfway house while you move away out of my pherical vision, what was left of it
You never played those piano keys
And I never unlocked a note
We won't now
But I will always wish for it
That empty halfway house being opened
Those paths coming to a crossroads
That key and that note entwining together
But thats not going to happen
Those will all be for someone else
And we will move onto seperate paths. Never to utter a word to each other ever again.
I'm missing an existance of nothing
Silly me

 Freudian slip,
A sudden change
of tone.
A sudden word,
action.
A notice
A note,
A song,
A look,
A laugh
One sends stars to kiss our toes
And the grass to whistle in our hair
A tilt.
A time,
A guild
Guilt.
To touch a butterflies wing to your teeming brain
To illuminate that sweep to the portal
To reach
To run so far into a search which has no end
or an immediate wall
Your feet are moving
But the dust doesn't stir
But your in a dessert
And allow yourself in this blaze to be happily torn apart peice by piece by this beautiful imagery of our own perfect veneer's guise
Tear down this house
And I will just reap the foundations, build a sandcastle on the sea because.
That is just what we do.

It was a peculiar day I had today.
It started off like any other, but with an entirely different perspective, like the sky had somehow become the ground and I found that unnerving, but normal.
How peculiar
As the day continued I felt what it really was like to be a wallflower.
I had not seen the world like this before, through these different eyes and I realized how superficial we all are
the conversations, gestures, even the people we converse with, we are not truly ourselves
I felt the weight later
And then, It was suggested as fate
But I don't believe in that
One small gesture created an enormous memory
I wonder who you are, who you were who you are to become, I wonder all these things but your face is fading fast,
I wish I knew your name
I just wonder if you got my note
You just performed a single act of kindness
But it will never be simple to me now
I suppose on both sides we are "indecisive"

Silence me with your clinical artistry
Reveal to me the steel and the scalpels
Inflict silence with your controlled cosmos
Let me go with an inadvertent slip of your implicit concentration
Substitute my emotions for your mixes
Compress them in a glass cylinder
Let me go, throw me away in shards with each plink, plink, plink of your elixir
Let me writhe in your lifeless, acidic sheets
Only to fall back onto them
Feel me, echo with my heart, you glorious creation of our new age
Sever and violate me with your elegant wires, folding, enveloping and entwining me
Enfold me with your feeling less heart
 you- an addictive, complacent sadness in a thought
Create chaos with me, panic the murmurs of these tired strangers
Let them fall and fray in my frenzy
Drain with me.
Drain your wires and systems as I drown myself into this velvet ice
Fall.
Fall silent,
with me.
And lay to rest this wilted ghost of mine

I wonder if you have evr dreamt of our shared nostalgia,
It was perfect with it's imperfections for a while
Have you ever missed it?
No, you never missed me
Did you ever wonder?
Did you ever dream?
That those written words would become sounds for my ears only
I miss our possibilities
We were just a bud, far away from a flower
But we were something
And that something was all that mattered
I have the memories, they are only mine
Unable to be stolen, unable to dissolve
As Long as they exist
I will cherish them
Even though you probably only wish to dispose of them
I am a ghost for you
But a ghost all the same
I am an existance, forever locked in your memory

Piano's are such beautiful beings, they are pure white, clean innocence separated by the deepest and purest black- a truth, a perfect balance, how is it that such perfect objects can create such melancholy and sadness

I go from one extreme to the other, often influenced by the small things
Right now, I want to jump from leaf to leaf in autumn shrouded by pine cones and conkers, I want to spin and fall down into leaves and walk in the evening wielding a baguette, a mock weapon,  only to smile and turn around at the person behind the camera, I want my life to be an instagram of all that's beautiful and all that's pitiful, I want so much to let my hands roam fearlessly over the keys in the piano, conducting heartstrings to all those who catch a note
I want to run away and be caught by the tips of my fingers, with the tips of your fingers- the one behind the camera!
I want it to be fantastical almost, an infinity away from what is now!
I want to let my fingers race over a type-writer in France, creating a memoir's from another life! I want to create a fictional life, a creation of my own, my very own that could never be anyone Else's!
To feel the summer breeze caress my skin as I hold tightly onto the one who's driving the scooter!
To smile  at the bike next to mine running down the road, to race over bridges and run through fields, my life tinted with a glow.
To dance to no music in a poppy field, to make daisy chains and to play hide and seek in a forest, if only to decorate the beach with footprints, the feet that made them long gone
To share a coffee in a patisserie and to mirror each others ridiculous white mustaches, like a snowman has suddenly appeared to have a little fun,
I'm guilty I guess, dreaming of you, but that's fine,
Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong, but I know I was just a little bit in love with you
It was a one-sided love, but I will never regret the memories, they are like little pebbles found on a beach, boring for eveyone else, but just a little bit magical for me
If you ever look back, I'll be waiting
If you turn back, I'll place my hands over your eyes and play "guess who?"
You lifted me up for a while, you said all right things, for me anyhow
I was such a fool to fall for that, but I knew it
But I love being that fool, because just for a moment, a split second
I was yours

Although others sicken me, I sicken myself more, to the point of destruction.
Wanting who I want to turn into and who I actually am going to turn into are figures entirely different.
I hate every fibre of my own being! My thoughts, my words, my actions. Everything I hate them all.
I hate my situation in this burning no mans land. I hate the tears that feel like acid that run down my cheeks in the darkness.
I hate my selfish thoughts to return to all thats black and unknown.
I hate it.
I loathe myself. I am a sick facade, I cannot escape!! I am in my own prison and I'm crying out but nobody will outstretch their hands because of their own sickening hearts. There is no light to this ever ending darkness.
I am a pretentious fool who only destroys herself with withdrawal.
I hang onto the sick hope that I will find that person one day who will see into my prison. That one person.
But they don't exist, I destroy my own dreams with my horribly tainted reality.
I only see grey and black spilling out infront of me like ink. I don't want this.
I feel like the punching bag for society, and nobody cares, not really they'll see it, but they will ignore it, because they have the selfish desire subconsciously to protect themselves, and thus another punch is dealt.
Again and again and again. And I have no choice but to endure them, because this is what I have been carved into, a shackle for everyone.
A weak attack on others parts, an excuse for their own mistakes, why oh why can't this punching bag take its last toll.
and why oh why can't someone find whats inside instead.
I envy those lives of others, the ones who aren't the ear ammunition for others fights, the ones who are not the absorber of darkened feelings, I want to leave this place now, but I can't.
And that's why this punching bag exists, its not allowed to breathe its last breath because it is pumped with oxygen again.
Even this text, it sickens me. It sickens me listening to my own thoughts! I really am the arsenic to myself.
I will not be saved, I will be the one forced to carry these burdens, because nobody else can.

Revolutionize?
I read the words that you spun today and gazed upon them with a feeling of emptiness and a weak sort of oppression.
You are naive in your own crude way, preaching intelligence, or what you think appears as intelligence.
You want the abyss that so many of us carry yet hide away from, you seem to want it- it appears to you as if its a rare prize. You want to appear and converge as one of us, you think that by not laying even one card on the table you appear as strong?
Mysterious?
Intriguing?
No, you are too strong to succumb to opening up, oh what fools we are for not following you in your perfect footsteps.
You think we are weak? Naive, stupid? Because we make mistakes we are wrong?
As You do not make mistakes...You are strong.
Ha. You are wrong.
You are in fact the weakest of us all, the more you hide, the more obvious it is on your sleeve.
I look into the books you claim to have read and understand with great depth, and I can see the next chapter,
 I sort of pity you. Because if one like yourself refuses at this delicate age to open the inner workings, to refuse to brave the exposure...How will you ever? Will you repeat the history you have born witness too, because you are in fact too much like the one you try to ignore- you want to be the melancholy sort.
You seem to think you can delve and look into the intricacies of the cogs of our blackened climate and make a judgement, what do you know?
You think that by doing this you are plunging into the stream of our hearts, the stream that turns into the river, flowing with your quotes- unbecoming and ugly, but you see them as wise, you want that, but you are too weak to admit it. I don't care if your arrogant work was a jest to impress those of your facade.
You struck a nerve and exposed yourself.
You seem to think the words you weave are powerful, poignant, decadent to us.
 The "beauty" that you have woven, is not beauty, it is poison.
And only to yourself, I see it in the water you have poured it in.
You disappoint me.
I have always been there, the strongest chess piece at your side, but you conformed, and I was an old piece, so you shoved me back, for newer,shinier, prettier... weaker pieces. I still stayed, oh but you began to resent that, to observe that I was not in fact whom of which you wanted, you began to saw the rope I had thrown in to save you with a jest in your eyes,
Oh how you thought you shone like a Christmas decoration! You wanted only appear to them as something to envy, you abandoned, the things that mattered anyhow,
You won't get them back!
You won't change in your heart, you only conform, if I were to return to be that chess piece, after a while you would be lured back to those newer pieces and the past would repeat itself.
I watch from afar now. I watch you and study how you destroy yourself, but you only believe that you are making yourself better, another point to add to your meter of how you think we envy you.
I'm not in that realm anymore, that realm of pretense only to please others only doing the same thing- only to get selfish satisfaction in the end. What an Arrogant life you lead!
Although my universe may be darker, at least I know which path is mine! I'm not following  ones that your "trusted" companions follow only lead to a dead end in the blind hope that that poison you created is in fact beauty, because you don't have the courage to find your own path. Maybe then a glimmer of beauty would be created, but alas how would I expect that of someone like yourself?
You were once someone. Now you've thrown yourself into the melting pot.
What would I call you now?
Oh, that's it. Much like the aftermath of a bomb-
You are truly a bittersweet brutality my dear.