Although others sicken me, I sicken myself more, to the point of destruction.
Wanting who I want to turn into and who I actually am going to turn into are figures entirely different.
I hate every fibre of my own being! My thoughts, my words, my actions. Everything I hate them all.
I hate my situation in this burning no mans land. I hate the tears that feel like acid that run down my cheeks in the darkness.
I hate my selfish thoughts to return to all thats black and unknown.
I hate it.
I loathe myself. I am a sick facade, I cannot escape!! I am in my own prison and I'm crying out but nobody will outstretch their hands because of their own sickening hearts. There is no light to this ever ending darkness.
I am a pretentious fool who only destroys herself with withdrawal.
I hang onto the sick hope that I will find that person one day who will see into my prison. That one person.
But they don't exist, I destroy my own dreams with my horribly tainted reality.
I only see grey and black spilling out infront of me like ink. I don't want this.
I feel like the punching bag for society, and nobody cares, not really they'll see it, but they will ignore it, because they have the selfish desire subconsciously to protect themselves, and thus another punch is dealt.
Again and again and again. And I have no choice but to endure them, because this is what I have been carved into, a shackle for everyone.
A weak attack on others parts, an excuse for their own mistakes, why oh why can't this punching bag take its last toll.
and why oh why can't someone find whats inside instead.
I envy those lives of others, the ones who aren't the ear ammunition for others fights, the ones who are not the absorber of darkened feelings, I want to leave this place now, but I can't.
And that's why this punching bag exists, its not allowed to breathe its last breath because it is pumped with oxygen again.
Even this text, it sickens me. It sickens me listening to my own thoughts! I really am the arsenic to myself.
I will not be saved, I will be the one forced to carry these burdens, because nobody else can.